What Kind of Grail War is This!
by SilentFang
Summary: Rin Tohsaka was expecting a lot of things... but there was absolutely no way she could've expected this! Was she the only sane one in this War? Multi-cross with my own stories (both Published and Works in Progress), but mostly Naruto and Fate/Stay Night. Crack-ish, not meant to be taken seriously. Oneshot with possible other chapters on the way. Minor spoilers for all my stories.


**A/N: Hey everyone! It's been a while hasnt it... hahaha... PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!**

 **I know a lot of you... well, okay, ALL of you have been wondering where I disappeared to and well.. I'll explain at the end of the chapter.**

* * *

Rin Tohsaka was not expecting the Holy Grail War to be a walk in the park.

In fact, while she had no intention of doing so, she had been fully prepared for the possiblility of her own death. After all, her own father had put in hundreds of times more work and preparation than she did, and he still met his end during the last Grail War ten years ago.

No, Rin Tohsaka was definitely not expecting the Holy Grail war to be a walk in the park.

That being said, she also wasn't expecting this Grail War to be fought by _seven versions_ of the _same Servant_. Or to be more accurate, seven versions of the same Servant summoned from _different realities_... who all seemed to get along pretty damn well for the most part.

So well in fact, that they were all sitting in a circle in the middle of her school's courtyard in the middle of the night, passing along stories and alcohol like they were old drinking buddies, even though she was completely sure that only one of them ( _INCLUDING_ her own Servant) was actually above the legal drinking age, not counting one of the other two Masters here with them, a magenta haired Magus who was also looking distinctly uncomfortable as she drank from her own mug.

She decided to ignore the glaring issue of where they even _got_ the alcohol in the first place, if only to save whatever was left of her waning sanity.

"Hey, hey little missy!" the oldest looking of the bunch shouted to her. "C'mon, come share a drink with us!"

Turning her annoyed gaze to him, she took in his appearance once more. He was a man in his early twenties with spiked golden hair pointed in every which way, and blue eyes filled with mirth. A handsome face with a squared jaw and tanned skin, three whisker marks on his slightly red cheeks (something he shared with his compatriots although not all of them seemed to have natural whiskers like his) and a muscular body that was still a head above the others sitting around him, showing his impressive height even while seated and slouched over.

He was dressed like a mix between a feudal era samurai and a medieval knight. A bright orange kimono with a furred collar worn over a black chest piece made of lacquered wood, left sleeve missing to make room for the plate metal gauntlet. A pauldron made of the same wood covering the right shoulder and black slacks made of durable material covered his legs, above which lied two metal grieves similar to those worn by a knight. His weapons, two single-edged straight swords in black sheaths that were each as long as her arm were laid next to him, as well as another larger sword that was almost as long as she was tall which was wrapped thickly in bandages. He was obviously summoned under the Saber class.

"I can't. I'm underage." She ground out, brow twitching when she heard him laughing boisterously at her.

On an unrelated note, Rin felt a slight twinge in her ear just now. Like... someone poking her eardrum?

Saber's laugh brought her attention back to him. "So are all of these guys, but that didn't stop them! Right kiddos?!" he shouted to his counterparts who gave a small cheer. "Hell, the little miss over there is already drunk!" he exclaimed pointing to the final Master present, a small albino girl with a huge alcohol induced blush on her face who was leaning on her own Servant and giggling to herself.

Another twitching brow. "Yes well, unlike them, I'm not some base delinquent!"

 ** _*twinge twinge*_**

Oh, there it was again!

"Oi, oi! Don't go mocking the good name of us delinquents, woman!" another Servant yelled, this one looking to be a bit younger than her by a year or two. He had the same spiky hair as the rest of them, but his had a single red bang on his right side and was longer and the others, hanging to a low ponytail that went to his mid-back.

To further separate himself from them, he had two different colored eyes, his left being blue and his right being a deep violet. He was wearing surprisingly mundane clothes for a Heroic Spirit (then again, so were a few of the others), a red jacket with a white pullover hoodie underneath and black shorts that had drawstrings closing the legs at his mid calf, along with some simple red and white sneakers. If she didn't know any better she'd have mistaken him as a random punk kid off the street, but he had identified himself as Lancer earlier on. Rin could kind of admit that he seemed to have this roguish charm about her that seemed to pull her in, but she'd never say it out loud.

"Good name of you delinquents? Isn't the whole point of being a delinquent to have a _bad_ reputation?" the first Master, who had until then been silent, mumbled into her drink.

"Nu-uh, you got it all wrong Bazette-chan." Lancer shook his head mockingly as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. "The point of being a delinquent is to be a badass who does _whatever_ they want _whenever_ they want and to _whoever_ they want !"he shouted, getting a loud 'Amen brother!' from the Servant closest to him.

"Hell yeah, Lancer's got the right idea! Fuck everything else and do what you want! That's the delinquent's way of life! If anything, we're just way more honest about our desires than you are. And if those desires happen to go against the law at times and give us a shitty rep, well what can ya do?" The one that spoke was one of the more mundane looking Servants here, seemingly the same age as Lancer and having the same spiky gold hair and blue eyes as Saber along with the trademark tan skin and whiskers as the others, though his looked more like scars.

This one wore a simple white A-shirt under a stylish black leather jacket that had a high collar and orange interior and a stylized emblem reading _**KOGARASUMARU** _ over a picture of what appeared to be a crow on the back. He wore simple grey skinny jeans on his lower body, but the oddest thing about him was the fact that he was wearing some kind of strange inline roller-blades on his feet.

They were a deep sea blue in color with orange lining and laces and decorated with a stylized wave design that spelled out the word _**UNDERTOW** _ on them in white. They had four light orange wheels, though the second and third wheels had a gap between them, making it so they pushed up against the first and fourth wheels respectively. He had identified himself as Servant Rider when this little gathering first began.

Bazette sighed and shook her head "If you're yelling about doing things that are against the law then doesn't that just prove my point?" The hand wrapped around her shoulder descended and groped her breast, her face going atomic red in response.

 _ ***twinge twinge***_

Okay seriously, that was getting annoying. It felt like someone was poking her ear with a sharp object.

"I wouldn't talk about going against the law _Bazette-chan~_. After all, you didn't seem to mind breaking it when I was plowing a fresh imprint of that tight ass of yours into our mattress back at the hotel roo-"

 ** _PFFFFFT_**

 _ **WHACK**_

Cue multiple spit takes followed by Bazette punching her Servant in the back of the head "SH-SHUT THE HELL UP DAMN IT!" she yelled with a glowing face. "YOU SEDUCED ME WHILE I WAS RECOVERING FROM THE SHOCK OF ONE OF MY COMRADES TRYING TO KILL ME OKAY?! I-IT WAS A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS AND IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!" she finished, the sound of her panting being the only thing breaking the stunned silence that had befallen the group from the casual reveal.

"Whatever you say, Bazette-chan... whatever you say." Lancer chuckled.

Nobody mentioned the fact that Bazette still hadn't moved the hand that was groping her. Or that said hand was groping her far more roughly than before.

"Dude..." Rider said, bringing all attention to him. "I'm so jealous right now." He leaned over and grabbed Lancer (who had a decidedly smug look on his face) by the lapels of his jacket and started shaking him. "HOW IS IT YOU'RE SO GOD DAMNED LUCKY DAMN IT! I CAN'T EVEN GET A DAMN KISS WITHOUT BEING COCKBLOCKED! GIVE ME YOUR LIFE YOU BASTARD!"

Was he...? Oh Root of all worlds, he was actually sobbing. That was honestly kind of pathetic.

A small hiccup and giggle drew Rin's attention to young the albino Master (who was obviously an Einzbern Homunculus) her pale features only emphasizing the alcohol induced blush on her face. "Huhuhu... ne, ne Assassin... hows about you and me try to imprint my ass into the bed next?" the giggles that came from her mouth seemed to become lewder than anything Rin had heard up until that point. And she had accidentally walked in on her parents going at it once.

No! No! she got rid of that memory years ago! _Repress~! **Repress~!**_ Aaaaaaaand it's gone.

Anyway... The fact that such sounds came from a girl who looked no older than twelve made them all the more disturbing.

 _ ***twinge twinge***_ Yeah, someone was definitely poking her ear with something. Like a knife or something...

"I'll have to refuse Master." Assassin said curtly, taking another sip from his mug and looking away from his inebriated- not to mention amorous- Master while simultaneously ignoring her response of _'Call me Illya-tan!'_. "We're far too young for such a thing."

"Well, at least there's someone else here with a shred of common sense... Kind of sad that the youngest of you is the most mature." Rin deadpanned, sending a grateful nod to the boy.

Said boy was young, as previously stated, looking only slightly older than his Master. Unlike the others he had a full head of vibrant red hair- the same color of Lancer's bang- and pinkish eyes that had a faint yellow ring in the middle of the iris. He wore a fur lined kimono shirt with detached sleeves the same color as his hair that had black sides and orange laces keeping the sides together. Other than that he wore a red hakama with black lines on the side and long black socks that went over them giving them a ballooning effect. To finish off his attire he had simple orange slip on shoes of his feet.

Stabbed into the dirt behind him was a wicked looking scythe which was far longer than he was tall, looking to be about six feet in total. The snath was a straight pole made of a black metal with burnt orange leather wrapped tightly around where she assumed his hands would go. A three and a half foot long curved blade came out from the top of the snath, colored a dark burgundy and had what seemed to be... were those Fey letters carved in bronze going through the center of that blade?! If not then they were certainly damn close!

 _ ***twinge twinge***_ There was that Root be damned knife again. No, not a knife. Something thinner... a nail maybe?

"Nah, common sense ain't got nothin' to do with it Tohsaka-san." another Servant spoke up, this one also looking like he'd fit right in with modern times. He was almost the spitting image of Rider. Heck, his whisker marks looked like scars as well! The only real difference between the two was him being taller and his scars looking like they healed slightly better, making them look less rough around the edges. Well, that and he wasn't a perverted degenerate. "Red her just wants to stay true to his little crush... what was her name? Drizzle right?"

Assassin's face lit up like a Christmas tree. "W-what?! M-miss Driselle has a-absolutely nothing to do with this, Caster! You leave her out of this!" the now named Caster only chuckled a bit and patted the younger Servant's head. Caster was wearing a black Japanese high school uniform (one she could've sworn she'd seen somewhere. Maybe in the newspaper? Nah, that was impossible.) Wrapped around his neck was a yellow scarf that had black edges and red armband with the anagram _**S.E.E.S.**_ printed on it in black.

On his right leg was a holster for an admittedly large pistol that looked to be highly customized (seriously, why did it have two muzzles and two triggers?) and a slightly longer than average combat knife was attached to his belt. Last but not least, he also had two sets of Command Seals on his right hand, marking him as both Saber's and Berserker's Master.

He hadn't been so forthcoming about his own Master (though she thought she saw his shadow had wriggled a bit when he mentioned it), and Rider's master was, in his own words 'A smokin' hot babe with a huge rack, but really sad eyes'.

On another note, Assassin looked like he wanted to grab his scythe and chop the hand that was patting him right off. In all honestly, she probably wouldn't be able to bring herself to blame him if he actually did.

"DAMN IT! AM I THE ONLY VIRGIN HERE AMONG US?!" Rider shouted with tears streaming from his eyes.

 _ ***twinge twinge***_ No not a nail either... she was getting closer though.

Assassin grunted in annoyance, apparently having decided not to dismember Caster, but having to silently redouble his efforts to keep his inebriated Master at bay. "Did you not hear what I just said thirty seconds ago?"

"You're just a kid, you don't count!" Rider retaliated. "Caster! What about you?! You're still pure right?!" he asked pleadingly.

"A-ah..." Caster blushed a bit and rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment. "I'm not, sorry. Liz-chan wanted to visit my Dorm one day and well... things kinda spiraled from there, hehehe..."

"Gah! Damn it, Berserker what about you?! Someone with a scruffy face like yours has to be as pure as the driven snow right?!" ah, he was starting to sound a bit pathetic now...

The until then silent Berserker just shrugged as he chugged his booze, a nonchalant expression on his face. "Nope, sorry. A friend and I got a bit too excited when we reunited and she kinda came on to me when my instincts were at their peak so we ended up going at it like rabbits. Also, call me scruffy again and I'll singe your eyebrows off." He leaned to the side to dodge a thrown mug and took another sip from his own. "Hey, don't go wasting good booze, idiot."

"What about Sab-"

"I wouldn't bother with Saber." Berserker cut Rider off before he could start. "He's bragging about his kids to Lancer's master as we speak." he said while pointing in the direction of the Servant of the Sword. He was indeed leaned in uncomfortably close to the short haired Master, wearing a disgustingly sweet smile on his face while practically shoving a picture of with three girls on it into her face. Strange considering he looked far too young to be any of those girl's father, let alone all three.

"You know, you don't seem to be much of a Berserker." Rin spoke up, her brow raised in his direction. She got another shrug in response.

"I only really qualify for this class when I activate a couple of my Noble Phantasms or when I get really, _really_ irritated." True, nothing about his appearance screamed _"Mad Warrior"_ to her. Indeed, with his spiky gold hair being slightly longer than the others (barring Lancer) and his dark green sleeveless male cheongsam that went to his lower thigh combined with his baggy black pants that were tied at his ankles, black and green slip-ons on his feet and a distinctly feminine looking black scarf tied around his waist like a sash his appearance gave him more of a _"Slightly Disgruntled Martial Artist"_ vibe if anything. The large starburst scar on his right shoulder and the tattoo of an ouroboros curled into the infinity sign on his left only brought the look together.

"And you're telling me that _this_ isn't enough to irritate you?" she asked, pointing to the rest of the gathering.

Lancer was currently pointing and laughing at Rider who was crying comically and shouting about how unfair the world was.

Bazette was could do naught but offer a strained smile and polite nods to Saber who kept pulling more and more photos of his kids from his kimono.

Assassin was currently trying to fend off a two pronged assault from both his Master and Caster who were trying to kiss him and aggressively ruffle his hair respectively.

 _ ***twinge twinge***_ _AND NOT TO MENTION THAT ANNOYING ASS TWINGING FEELING THAT FELT LIKE IT WAS SLOWLY SCREWING IT'S WAY INTO HER SKULL!_

Oh! A screw! That's what it felt like! God, at least she got one mystery out of the way! Finding a good way to describe that feeling was driving her nuts!

 _ ***twinge twinge***_

Now if only she could get it to actually _GO AWAY!_

Berserker stared at the group for a bit before going back to his drink. "I can see where you're coming from, but compared to a certain guild of idiots I was forced to babysit on a near daily basis, this is more like a relaxing vacation for me."

Rin totally didn't envy his ability to effortlessly ignore stupidity.

Did you feel the sarcasm there? Because she truly meant it. She totally wasn't being sarcastic at all.

Nope.

Not one bit.

"Hey wait a minute..." She mumbled while looking around. "Where's-"

"RIDER-KUN, I FEEL YOUR PLIGHT!" a new voice shouted as the owner clasped Rider's hand.

"There he is." she sighed. She could already feel a migraine coming on.

"THE EXCRUCIATING TORMENT OF NOT KNOWING A WOMAN'S TOUCH! I KNOW THAT PAIN VERY WELL RIDER-KUN!" the one to speak up was the last Servant to be summoned... her own Servant, Archer. He looked to be only a year or so younger than Rin herself, although that could be because he had a rounder face and seemed to naturally fall on the shorter side of the spectrum, which was only emphasized by his lanky body. He was also wearing a black Gakuran like Caster, although his seemed to be from a middle school and personalized quite a bit if those weird swirly leaf shaped buttons or the metal plate with the same symbol as the buttons on the left shoulder were any indication.

"Woah, jeez where the hell did you come from?!" Rider shouted sounding genuinely surprised.

"Eh? I've been here the whole time. I've been contributing to everyone's conversations too." Archer answered.

...Well, that explained the weird twinging she'd been feeling in her ears all night. His voice was so annoying it made her subconsciously block him out.

"LANCER-KUN! I DEMAND YOU TELL US WHAT KIND OF PANTIES YOUR MASTER WEARS SO RIDER-KUN AND I CAN USE IT FOR FAP MATERIAL LATER!" Bazette broke out into another atomic blush upon hearing that sentence and jumped across the group to put Archer into a choke hold.

Rider sweatdropped. "Woah bro, I ain't _that_ desperate..."

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Bazette shouted, turning to Lancer. "You better not say a damn word or so help me I'll-!"

"I'll tell you if you tell me what kind your pretty little Master wears in exchange." Lancer bargained

"Deal!"

"WHAT?!" "DON'T YOU DARE" both Masters screamed at the same time.

"Alright, awesome. Bazette-chan here wears light purple lace boyshorts. They fit her personality surprisingly well... Boyish, yet with enough feminine charm to drive me crazy."

"WAAAAH! _Shutupshutup **shutup!**_ " his Master cried, releasing her choke hold on Archer (who was too distracted daydreaming about Bazettes panties to notice) to cover Lancer's mouth. Unshed tears prickled her eyes as she glared at the Servant of the Spear who stared back looking unrepentant.

Rin decided to pointedly ignore the way her fellow Master was squeezing her thighs together or the fact that she was panting rather hard. Because there was no way in hell that Bazette actually got off on being publicly humiliated.

Nope. No way no how.

 _Personal Skill - 「Denial」 Rank: EX_ activated.

Turning to the other five servants who apparently decided to sit back and watch the Play-by-Play, she decided to make a pre-emptive move to prevent Archer from embarrassing her in the same way. "I don't actually care which on of you does it... but if he says anything about my panties, _please_ kill him."

As if on cue, Archer awoke from his lecherous daydream. "Rin-chan wears lowleg side-tie panties with light blue stripes! Very sexy, but shimapan don't seem to fit her personality. She'd probably look better in a solid color... White maybe? No no no, Black! Yeah... Black with a small red bow in front! Just enough to show off her maturity but still childish enough to seem- _**GEK!**_ " He was forcefully inturrupted when a burgundy scythe blade pierced the top of his skull and came out the underside of his chin. The rest of the group turned to Assassin (who seemed to stop fighting it and just let his Master repeately kiss his neck and cheeks) who stared back in turn.

"What?" he shrugged. "She asked us to and none of you looked like you were going to do it so..." he trailed off, shrugging again.

"...That seems fair. To be honest, this entire time I've been wanting to hurt him myself. He just puts out this annoying aura that says _'Hello! I have a_ very _punchable face! Wanna test it out?'_ y'know what I mean?" Berserker asked, getting murmers of agreement from everyone else.

They all ignored Archer huddled in a corner and pouting by himself a short ways off looking like he hadn't just received a lobotomy via deadly weapon.

Rin sighed in exasperation and his her mild blush in her hands. "Thank you Assassin."

"It's what I do, Rin-san." he responded.

...

...

...

"So, lowleg side-tie shimapan, huh?"

"ROOT DAMN IT ASSASSIN!"

"HA! Nice, kiddo!"

"GRAAAAAH!"

Yes, Rin Tohsaka was not expecting the Holy Grail War to be a walk in the park.

She expected incredible battles of skill and strength not seen since the Age of the Gods.

She expected civilian casualties by the bucketload.

Hell, she even expected to have her physical and mental capabilities pushed to the brink.

But looking around at the 「Disgustingly Proud Father」 Saber, the 「Unrepentant Perverted Delinquent」 Lancer, the 「Incredibly Desperate and Sexually Repressed」 Rider, the 「Overly Mature yet Bloodthirsty Child」 Assassin, the 「Try-Hard Wannabe Big Brother」 Caster, the 「Alcoholic Lazy and Apathetic」 Berserker, and the 「Annoyingly Annoying and (unfortunately) Unkillable」 Archer...

She could definitely say with total honesty she could've never expected how infuriating the Servant Naruto Uzumaki could be... No matter _**which** _ dimension he came from.

I guess Zelretch forgot to send her them Memo.

* * *

 **A/N: Alrighty then, first things first...**

 **SORRY FOR MY SUPER LONG DISAPPEARANCE!**

 **Not even a week after I posted my last A/N, my laptop decided "Fuck this Shit I'm Out" and decided to literally catch fire. Luckily I panicked and threw it out the window before it burned my house down. Haha...**

 **Afterwards I was kinda stuck to FF mobile for about nine months, then I had to actually go out and do things with my life... at one point I was actually working three jobs just to stay afloat! *shudder* those were some dark days...**

 **Anywho, things are much more stable now and I got a new laptop as you can see! Well actually I got it a few months ago, but when I saw that all my hard work was gone I got super depressed and kinda lost all interest in writing for a while. To be honest, this work right here is to try and get me back into the swing of things, but I'm not making any promises on any other updates.**

 **AHEM**

 **WELL ENOUGH OF THAT! This here One Shot(?) was written mostly to get me familiar with my characters for both my published fics and my works-in-progress. I didn't want to do a bunch of super short ficlets, so I decided "HEY, WHY NOT THROW THEM ALL INTO A GRAIL WAR AND DRIVE RIN INSANE?!" bing bang boom, and five hours later this falls out of my brain.**

 **Like the Summary says, this may or may not be a oneshot, but if I do decide to add more chapters, they'll definitely be more character-centric. Meaning that they'll only focus on one "Naruto" at a time.**

 **If Y'all are uncertain about which Servant comes from which story, here's a little list for you right now.**

 **The order will go Servant ClassTheir MasterFic they originate fromCrossover universe they're from with (WIP) meaning the story is still a Work in Progress:**

 **SaberCasterThe Three Dragons(WIP)[Naruto/Fire Emlem: Awakening]**

 **LancerBazette Fraga McRemitzThe Behemoth[Naruto/Negima]**

 **RiderSakura MatouOpen the Sky(WIP)[Naruto/Air Gear]**

 **AssassinIllyasviel von EinzbernThe Brother of Maxwell(WIP)[Naruto/Tales of Xillia]**

 **Caster?Memento Vivere[Naruto/Persona 3]**

 **BerserkerCasterGreat Blaze[Naruto/Fairy Tail]**

 **ArcherRin TohsakaThe Good Loser, Naruto Uzumaki[Naruto/Medaka Box]**

 **As for the behavior of the Masters... well, by the time the story starts, Rin is just totally fed up with everything and sort of in shock by how unbelievably stupid the Grail War is turning out to be and how annoying her own Servant is.**

 **Bazette's attitude is sort of inspired by that one skit from Carnival Phantasm involving Lancer, Caren, and tiny Gil finding her handing out free samples on the street... and me kinda just running with it.**

 **As for Illya, she's just Super excited to be out of the Einzbern mansion and decided trying as many new things as possible is the best... including alcohol which she has absolutely no tolerance to at all. With an added pinch of her developing a small crush on Assassin since he's her first friend and he looks to be her (physical) age. Let's just assume she hasn't told him she's technically a cradle robber, alright? ;D**

 **Welp, that's it for now. Hopefully it doesn't take me another two years just to update... and, I probably just jinxed myself didn't I?**

 **Oh well, good to be back while I can everybody! Hope to see you all again soon!**

 **~SilentFang**


End file.
